The Formula of Attraction

There was a time, perhaps when you were six years old, when formulas were quite simple and made complete sense: 1+1 = 2

Straightforward and not the least bit confusing.

As you got older, the world changed and shifted.  Those easy equations took on a different form, with more variables and odd little symbols embedded in them.  By the time you reached adulthood, they looked a little something like this:

What does this mean????   Hell if I know.

I do not profess to be a math genius – whatsoever.  But I am a woman of science and observation, so it’s only natural for me to make relations between variables.  ‘A’ appears to be directly proportional to ‘B’…hmmmmm.  And I’ve come up with a bit of a hypothesis for modern-day attraction between species.

In recent years, it seems that the simplicity of attraction no longer applies:  one boy plus one girl (or any variation of this – gender is not the focus of this blogpost) = Love.  That one boy used to be the neighbor you grew up with your whole life; maybe he was the only boy who was precisely 3 years older and 3 ft. taller than you in your small village; or worse, he may have been the one your parents insisted you marry based on social hierarchy.  But mom, he’s my cousin for crying out loud! In all cases, it was pretty much a no-brainer back then.

In this day and age, a girl has a lot more to ponder what she wants in a man.  It’s no longer about the Montagues versus Capulets or the Jets versus the Sharks and their synchronized snapping dances down back-alleys.  Those days are long gone and have been replaced by a new rivalry:

Vampires versus Werewolves.

So first, let’s just break these groups down into some basic understanding of what they are.  For those of you living under a rock, today's vampires aren’t the ones you remember from watching Saturday afternoon horror shows:

Hello Nosferatu and good-bye.  Forever.  I don’t think we’ll ever revert back now that we’ve gotten a little taste of how sexy a vampire can really be:

What woman doesn’t dream about a midnight tryst with one of these guys?

The same goes for Werewolves.  Once upon a time, little red riding hood met up in the woods with one of these:

Enough to make a girl run all the way to grandma’s house.

But I’m pretty sure Red would’ve stuck around if she’d been met by one of these delectable canines:

Grrrrowl.

So now that we’ve established WHAT they are, let’s take a look at WHO they are.

The vampire based on today’s popular fiction is one of two flavors:  the brooding, tormented type who harbors a sense of guilt  (think Edward Cullen or Louis de Pointe du Lac); or a bit more exuberant about the life of a vampire (as in Eric Northman or Lestat de Lioncourt).  They are the undead, therefore cold, pale skin is a common characteristic.  Vampires are the artisans of the paranormal world, genteel and socially assimilated.  In most cases, they are capable of dazzling their prey, beguiling them with charm and unearthly beauty.  Women swoon and obey their every command, making them a very domineering group.  It is this power of seduction that has given rise to newfangled groupie types.

Werewolves are much simpler creatures in that most lack the dramatic personality types of vampires.  Sure there are a few tormented souls but overall:  give them a bone, and they’re happy.  Weres tend to be strong with superhuman senses; unrefined and untamed with a propensity for violence if provoked; the ruffians of the paranormal world.  Because they are living beings, they’re not only hot-bodied but hot-blooded and appear as normal human beings in their un-shape-shifted form (think I made that word up).  And don’t discount a Werewolf’s ability to impress the ladies.  Physical prowess and rugged good looks are what draw women in, making them the ultimate alpha male.

OK now that I’ve summarized the wiki Cliffs Notes on the two, let’s move on.  Getting back to my hypothesis.  If we take the personalities of these supernatural beings and the women who love them, it’s only natural that a correlation begins to form in one’s head.

I’ll take the opportunity here to confess that I’m not a relationship expert and will not be held responsible for anyone taking my theories to heart, and ultimately marrying the wrong person…er, being.

I believe that women who fall for the fangalicious variety are the outgoing, outspoken females in society.  They typically don’t take crap from anyone.  But secretly, I think these women harbor a desire to fall victim to the seductive nature of a man.  Do with me as you will.

Conversely, and based purely on observation, those who flock to the beastly types are often times timid and shy; the quiet ones who would rather be home on Saturday night than out mingling with cocktails in hand.  Are you talking about me? These women dream of taming a wild beast.

And so my simple equation for the two is as follows:

A α D = B α C

In other words, I think that women who read about vampires are looking for a nice ass-spankin’ by something delicious while those who read about werewolves are looking for a not-as-nice, ass-spankingly delicious something.  Make sense?

But what about those who like both you ask??

That equation is even simpler than the first one.  They’re called demons.  And they are what I tend to write about ;-)

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